F.L.Y

I remembered when I sat in the corner of the bathroom, hugging my legs and silently crying, making sure that no one heard my cry. I thought to myself, "Why only me?" Blaming myself for everything happening around me and feeling sad about it. The bathroom was my safe place, where I could cry, and no one would stop me.

A lot of people say that they have the best memories in school. But that is not the same for me. If I had a chance, I wish I could erase those memories. The bad memories overshadow the good ones.

When was the first time you realized that you as a person deserve all the happiness and love? Well, for me, it was kind of late. The concept of self-love and self-respect was not there in my vocabulary until I turn 15 years, yes until four years from now. And I started to love myself genuinely recently. And it is all those experiences I went through that made me who I am today.

If I have to describe my past self, I was a person who would do anything to make another person smile, even if it meant being a fool. Little did I know that for them, I was just a fool, a joker. I would do anything and everything for them, but when I needed them, they turned their back. And every time this happened, I kept forgiving them, and I kept pulling myself down. They were once my friends, but as years passed by we, became strangers. Strange but not surprising. When I look back in time, I wonder if I had friends? I look back at those memories and laugh. But I am very thankful to all those who have crossed my life and made me who I am today. Here are some episodes where I learned to love and respect myself as a human.

I don't feel shy to accept that I was among those people who loved and trusted their friends a lot. And to be honest, I was hurt the most in my life because of those same friends. In school, I felt low about myself the most because of them. Every day I went to school and returned home crying on my mom's lap. Did I learn from this? No. I go back to them, forgive them for treating me like that, but the things repeat. From being made to feel disgusted about me; to be ashamed about everything I did. I used to feel guilty and blamed myself for how they treated me. Once I realized that they were weeds in my life, stopping me from growing strong, I decided to throw them out of my life. Here is when I understood that no one has the right to make me feel low about myself. 

We always come upon someone who makes us feel bad about ourselves; it can be our family or friends. And when it is someone close to you, you feel more broken. When someone close to you leaves you for someone else, it makes you feel worthless. I had a 'best friend' we; were friends from the third grade. But as years passed by, we grew apart; there came a time where we didn't speak to each other even if we met. I blamed myself for growing apart from her, but I noticed that it was just me who felt guilty. But I grew mature as a person because of her. I still cherish all the memories I had with her. She taught me how to put myself first and love whatever I did. I wish I dare to tell her how much she has changed me as a person for good. I was able to control my anger and become a calmer person, thanks to her. She taught me how to love myself. 

I introduced myself to art and dance and helped me mask my feelings, and took me to a world filled with joy. Drawing helped me find my true potential and gave me a true sense of joy. Dancing completed me as a person. It is in school where I got introduced to these beautiful art forms. And ever since then it has changed my life. 

When I reached college (PUC), I met few people who changed me and gave me happiness that I missed during school. Here is where I found comfort. I found joy in just being myself, doing things I love, to not caring what others think about me. I challenged myself to do stuff I was once sacred to do. I met beautiful people who pushed me to my full potential. I finally understood what I want in life. I realized that instead of being sad about things not going right, I should be happy about the small bits that made me who I am today. I stopped thinking about the bad memories and look only at the good ones. I noticed how people around me were sad when I was sad and decided to be happy to keep them happy. I started to look at the brighter side of things. I'm not saying that I don't feel sad anymore; I mean that I'm trying to focus on the good side.

I tell my friend one thing; that I would love to share here: "It might be difficult but never impossible."

F.L.Y 

First Love Yourself, others will come later