As I enter the room, a deep baritone voice hits my ears with the same ruling effect it has had for years-"Did you decide what course you are going to take up after this?" Stood behind me, my father, a middle-aged man with my marks card and had an expression that for some reason I can't seem to read.
"Is my marks that bad? Did I not pass? Don't I have a future?" I thought. Why is it so hard not to drop my head down with embarrassment and not to let a teardrop fall from my eyes? Hard to make eye contact with him, I slowly moved in his direction through the rustic hallway. Everything looked grey. Preparing myself for the worst, I brought myself in front of him. "He will not hate you; after all, he is your father!" I thought. I was trying hard to convince myself; however, nothing worked.
Every since I was a child, I had not been forced to get good marks. The only thing my parents asked for me to do was to pass.
I remember my mother say, "I don't expect you to be the topper; all I want is you to pass!" I am happy to be born in a family that never judged me based on how much I have scored, but I feel pressured to live in a society that will only assess me based on my marks.
Growing up, I felt inferior for not getting "Good" marks; and my self-esteem went downhill. I started to judge myself for the results I got, small mistakes I made in life; I kept pulling myself down. And then came the point in life where I hated myself, my sole existence.
I hated everything about me, my academic marks, the scars on my body; I hated to look at my reflection; waking up every day seemed difficult. I didn't want to live but was scared to let go. I felt that I was a disappointment in my family. And no one knew about this because I always smile through my pain. "If you show others you are happy, maybe your difficulties and problems will disappear," I thought. But I never realized that it would only make it worse. I was lying to myself the whole time. Every time I see my marks, I felt angry, "I am trying hard, but why don't I get good marks?" I asked but never got an answer for it.
I stood in front of my dad, and he gave me my marks card with a slight smile on his face. I was confused, "Is he genuinely happy with what I have scored?" As I opened the paper and saw my marks, I cried.
"Why are you crying? You tried your best and be happy with what you got," he said.
But how can I tell him it is easier said than done.
Why do I keep expecting too much from myself? Why am I not happy? Why am I pushing myself too much? I know for a fact that I have tried hard, but why is there no happiness? "Is it hard to be happy?" I asked myself.
"Do my marks define me? What is a good result?" I asked myself for years.
It took me some years to realize that results don't define me as a person, and my appearance does not matter. I realised that no one can be perfect at everything. I promised myself that no matter what, I will never pull myself down again, but there are also days I do forget it. It is not easy to travel through the path of self-love and acceptance, but I will work hard to reach the end of that path. I am enough, and so are you. We all have our strengths and weaknesses, and we need to learn to accept them. No matter who you are and what you think yourself to be, you are perfect the way you are. You are beautiful and the best at what you do. You are trying hard, and I know you can do it!
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